It's really easy to fall into a dark gloomy place where you feel sorry for yourself, question all your actions, and wonder whether you can ever trust another human being. It is during these moments that it seems that somehow every one disappoints you in some way, including yourself.
This is the place where I have been in the last two weeks. As this relationship was obviously getting worse and worse, many people came forward saying how they knew that this person would be trouble or this and that. Yet, they also at the same time, supported the relationship by their other actions, words and silence... so in regard to where they truly stood, I am confused and probably always will be.
At first, I just wanted to stay in the fetal position and cry. I really care about this person and wish that our differences could be miraculously reconciled. However, at this point in time, it seems that this will NEVER be the case.
As I look back at all the pain in the relationship, I wondered whether it was all just a big FAT mistake. Should I have ended our friendship at the first sign of trouble?
Instinctively, I said "YES!!!!!!!! There was tooooo much conflict. I was so stupid to give this person chance after chance."
But then I thought about, "Why did I do that? Why would I continue in a relationship that wasn't mostly peaches and cream?"
Well, first of all, I am not perfect myself. I wasn't always the angel or the victim. I caused some of the damage. If I expect to be forgiven and shown mercy, I must give forgiveness and shower mercy.
But the most important reason was because this person challenged me to love in a way that nobody else ever had. Nobody else challenged me to love unconditionally. It's easy for me to love those who are regularly there for me. Yet, what about a person who often disappoints or purposely hurts me? Well, to love someone unconditionally means to love WITHOUT RESERVE.
In other words: "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor....Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it doesn't rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Cor 10:24, 13:4-8
Every time I said, "That's IT. I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!" I remembered Jesus' call to love one's enemy. I thought it over and literally asked myself, "What would Jesus have me do? What do I believe Jesus is asking of me in this moment and with this person?" I don't always do this with everybody. Yet, I am deeply called to do this time and time again for this person. My inner conscious says to keep trying... to keep loving.
Despite our many differences, I believe that this person was brought into my life for my sanctification. This person has taught me how to live my faith, not just preach about it. This person has taught me that I must comfort my Savior. I learned what it means to always be completely responsible for my own actions. No matter what anybody may say or do to me, it is my duty as a Catholic Christian to respond with love and forgiveness. I also learned that every sin, big or small, has consequences. No sin stays secret, it's effects will creep up and manifest themselves in some way. And one can't hide or "fix" a sin by committing another one. Rather, I learned that once you catch yourself in a sin, you need to snuff it out as quickly as possible by confessing and repenting. One sin of mine can seriously harm another...
In these realizations, I began to experience what Christ is actually asking when He said,"take up your cross and follow Me", "turn the other cheek," and "whatever you to to the least of your brothers, you do to Me." Good or bad, whatever I do to another, I do to Jesus. Thus, in these experiences, I learned that the love that Jesus asks of me is proved by my patience, humility, forgiveness, mercy and gratitude in my interaction with others.
Thus, if I take Jesus' words at face value in all the gospels, I am called to love every one with an unfailing love. The individual that I am currently struggling with taught me this very very clearly. I learned that everything I do is a choice. Do I chose to love? Or, do I chose to sin? Do I say "fool!" to those who make me angry? "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement. Again anyone who says to his brother, "Raca' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." Matt 5:23 Thus, these are the only two options: love or sin. (Failure to keep a commandment of God is what sin is... and the greatest commandment is the twofold love of God and neighbor.)
If I did chose to love and was betrayed, I can still be secure in my decision because that was the greatest action I could have chosen. If I chose to love, but somehow messed things up, my motivation was still rooted in the right place. I may have lacked a element necessary for a pure love -- true charity, but if I am sincerely trying to love like Christ, I am improving. Hopefully, with each advancement, I'll become "perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect". In loving, I lose nothing. In not loving, I lose my soul.
So.... instead of bemoaning my past and living in the pain, I am making the choice to focus on the fact that the highest form of love is not an emotion, but an act of the will. Although, I don't feel like loving, I still can. My actions aren't slaves to my emotions.
Looking back, I don't regret loving this person and being in this person's life. I do regret the moments in which I completely failed: where I lost my cool or did stupid things because of my lack of virtue, in particular, prudence. It was always my goal to love this person as Christ loves me, and because this was one of my main goals, I can forgive myself for all that haunts me in this relationship.
I still love this person and I will continue to love this individual. It was a choice I made a long time ago.
This is the place where I have been in the last two weeks. As this relationship was obviously getting worse and worse, many people came forward saying how they knew that this person would be trouble or this and that. Yet, they also at the same time, supported the relationship by their other actions, words and silence... so in regard to where they truly stood, I am confused and probably always will be.
At first, I just wanted to stay in the fetal position and cry. I really care about this person and wish that our differences could be miraculously reconciled. However, at this point in time, it seems that this will NEVER be the case.
As I look back at all the pain in the relationship, I wondered whether it was all just a big FAT mistake. Should I have ended our friendship at the first sign of trouble?
Instinctively, I said "YES!!!!!!!! There was tooooo much conflict. I was so stupid to give this person chance after chance."
But then I thought about, "Why did I do that? Why would I continue in a relationship that wasn't mostly peaches and cream?"
Well, first of all, I am not perfect myself. I wasn't always the angel or the victim. I caused some of the damage. If I expect to be forgiven and shown mercy, I must give forgiveness and shower mercy.
But the most important reason was because this person challenged me to love in a way that nobody else ever had. Nobody else challenged me to love unconditionally. It's easy for me to love those who are regularly there for me. Yet, what about a person who often disappoints or purposely hurts me? Well, to love someone unconditionally means to love WITHOUT RESERVE.
In other words: "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor....Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it doesn't rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Cor 10:24, 13:4-8
Every time I said, "That's IT. I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!" I remembered Jesus' call to love one's enemy. I thought it over and literally asked myself, "What would Jesus have me do? What do I believe Jesus is asking of me in this moment and with this person?" I don't always do this with everybody. Yet, I am deeply called to do this time and time again for this person. My inner conscious says to keep trying... to keep loving.
Despite our many differences, I believe that this person was brought into my life for my sanctification. This person has taught me how to live my faith, not just preach about it. This person has taught me that I must comfort my Savior. I learned what it means to always be completely responsible for my own actions. No matter what anybody may say or do to me, it is my duty as a Catholic Christian to respond with love and forgiveness. I also learned that every sin, big or small, has consequences. No sin stays secret, it's effects will creep up and manifest themselves in some way. And one can't hide or "fix" a sin by committing another one. Rather, I learned that once you catch yourself in a sin, you need to snuff it out as quickly as possible by confessing and repenting. One sin of mine can seriously harm another...
In these realizations, I began to experience what Christ is actually asking when He said,"take up your cross and follow Me", "turn the other cheek," and "whatever you to to the least of your brothers, you do to Me." Good or bad, whatever I do to another, I do to Jesus. Thus, in these experiences, I learned that the love that Jesus asks of me is proved by my patience, humility, forgiveness, mercy and gratitude in my interaction with others.
Thus, if I take Jesus' words at face value in all the gospels, I am called to love every one with an unfailing love. The individual that I am currently struggling with taught me this very very clearly. I learned that everything I do is a choice. Do I chose to love? Or, do I chose to sin? Do I say "fool!" to those who make me angry? "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement. Again anyone who says to his brother, "Raca' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." Matt 5:23 Thus, these are the only two options: love or sin. (Failure to keep a commandment of God is what sin is... and the greatest commandment is the twofold love of God and neighbor.)
If I did chose to love and was betrayed, I can still be secure in my decision because that was the greatest action I could have chosen. If I chose to love, but somehow messed things up, my motivation was still rooted in the right place. I may have lacked a element necessary for a pure love -- true charity, but if I am sincerely trying to love like Christ, I am improving. Hopefully, with each advancement, I'll become "perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect". In loving, I lose nothing. In not loving, I lose my soul.
So.... instead of bemoaning my past and living in the pain, I am making the choice to focus on the fact that the highest form of love is not an emotion, but an act of the will. Although, I don't feel like loving, I still can. My actions aren't slaves to my emotions.
Looking back, I don't regret loving this person and being in this person's life. I do regret the moments in which I completely failed: where I lost my cool or did stupid things because of my lack of virtue, in particular, prudence. It was always my goal to love this person as Christ loves me, and because this was one of my main goals, I can forgive myself for all that haunts me in this relationship.
I still love this person and I will continue to love this individual. It was a choice I made a long time ago.
If you are this person...know that I am praying for you and wish upon you every happiness. Also, know that I deeply regret all my actions that offended God and you. It is never too late to reconcile.
"You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far, that you can't get back when you lost where you are. It's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change who you are." (Unspoken, Who we are)
Maybe we will never completely heal in this time on earth, but it is my greatest desire to meet you in heaven where we can glory in the Blessed Trinity for eternity -- this is the only thing that matters. May God bless you wherever you are and whatever you are doing. I love you.
"You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far, that you can't get back when you lost where you are. It's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change who you are." (Unspoken, Who we are)
Maybe we will never completely heal in this time on earth, but it is my greatest desire to meet you in heaven where we can glory in the Blessed Trinity for eternity -- this is the only thing that matters. May God bless you wherever you are and whatever you are doing. I love you.
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