PRIDE vs HUMILITY - Day 6

Is it okay to be... brokeN?
   unsuccessful?  hurt?  sick?  rejected? stupid?  poor?  ugly?  afraid?

Is it okay to not be perfect?  Is it okay to be...what I am... ME?

Hello.  Nice to meet you.  I am broken!!!  Yes, I am broken.  I hurt.  I am afraid.  I regret.  I am not all that I want to be.

I have admitted what I am.  I have even said it out loud.

I couldn't say this out loud for a long time.  It is hard to say that word in application to myself... broken... but, I am... broken...

In many ways and many things, I have failed.  I don't have it all together and I don't like recognizing that.  I am proud.  And if I am going to talk about humility, I must also live it. I must honestly recognize myself for who I am.

I have realized over time that I sometimes am more afraid that people will see that I am struggling than of my actual problem.

What will people say if they knew...

Will they think I am incapable? useless? emotional? undisciplined? hypocritical? What will THEY think?

WHAT will they think?!????

Well, once I truly understood in my head that nothing I could do, would give me the power to control what THEY - the crowd of random persons, who aren't exactly main players in my life - think, it was easier to let go of this oppression.

Then, it's easier to let go of WHAT will they think?!????  This time the "they" are the people closest to me.

Also, openly recognizing that I am broken, I felt I could finally breathe.  Yes, I am broken, but so what? Aren't we all? We all are struggling with something. We are all hiding something. The longer we hide behind that mask, of  "nothing is wrong with me", then the longer it will take before we can heal.

There is nothing wrong with having something wrong with ourselves.  However, it is wrong to stay in the place where we think, or act as if there is nothing wrong with us.  Life is about fixing all those wrongs.  It is a test.  It is a challenge.  What will we do with this problem?  How will we turn it into the greatest good possible?

Joy Is Found in Comforting Christ

Its been hard for me to write about joy -- even for my friend -- because I struggle with it.  I think it is because to a certain extent, I don't want to be joyful.  I want to cling to the hurt/frustration/whatever because I can use it to protect myself.  It is an excuse to stay in my comfort zone or a way to put all my problems on someone else.  Also, I think that it is less threatening to be a grumbler.

However a comment from a reader on my page  Shoulder Wound of Christ reminded me how to have the greatest joy. 

"Our Lord bearing this unrecorded burden for us has touched my heart and soul so greatly.  Whatever I must do in my days..., I offer it up for His shoulder wound.  In doing so, I feel blessed that my Lord has allowed me to comfort Him; therefore, He comforts me."

Personally, when I give to others, I am filled with joy.  I love helping others.  I love to find thoughtful ways to warm their hearts.  When I surrender my time and energy to helping others, I forget about all my interior grumblings -- and my life is no longer as awful as I make it seem.

If I am joy filled when I comfort even strangers, what joy awaits me when I comfort my Lord?  Even if all my dreams and plans are for naught, if I could comfort my Savior even for a brief moment isn't it worth it?

My prayer for today:

Jesus, it is my new hope that I can comfort You today by sharing in Your Passion.  Do with me what You will.  If you desire me to suffer with You the betrayal of Judas, or the abandonment of Your beloved Apostles at the hour of Your greatest need, I will no longer grumble about betrayals against me.  If You want me to suffer physically in my body, I do so willingly.  Your body was shred by scourging.  It was bruised by beatings and falls.  It was pierced by thorns, nails and a spear... You could count all of Your bones.  What do I have to complain about? Teach my joy in all things.

Conference on Spiritual Warfare

My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare.  Never trust in yourself, but abandon yourself totally to My will. In desolation, darkness and various doubts, have recourse to Me and to your spiritual director.  He will always answer you in My name.  Do not bargain with any temptation; lock yourself immediately in My Heart and, at the first opportunity, reveal the temptation to the confessor.  Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds.  Bear with yourself with great patience.  Do not neglect interior mortifications.  Always justify to yourself the opinions of your superiors and of your confessor.  Shun murmurers like a plague.  Let all act as they like; you are to act as I want you to. Observe the rule as faithfully as you can.  If someone causes you trouble, think what good you can do for the person who caused you to suffer.  Do not pour out your feelings.  Be silent when you are rebuked.  Do not ask everyone's opinion, but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child with him.  Do not become discouraged by ingratitude.  Do not examine with curiosity the roads down which I lead you.  When boredom and discouragement beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My heart.  Do not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us. Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you.  Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the will.  Always depend upon your superiors, even in the smallest things.  I will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the contrary, prepare for great battles.  Know that you are now on a great stage where all heaven and earth are watching you.  Fight like a knight, so that I can reward you.  Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone.  -- St. Faustina, Divine Mercy in My Soul #1760

Prayer of Abandonment by Charles de Foucauld

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Encouragement

I had a really bad week where it was a huge struggle to be motivated. I was hurting so much that all I could do was pray and focus on getting through each moment of each day without collapsing.

Today, I was given new strength to overcome the particular cross that is so heavy.  I felt that these verses spoke to what I am going through and encourages me to look past the hurt and suffering.

My child, if you are gong to serve the Lord, be prepared for times when you will be put to the test. 

Be sincere and determined. 

Keep calm when trouble comes. 

Stay with the Lord; never abandon him, and you will be prosperous at the end of your days. 

Accept what ever happens to you. 

Even if you suffer humiliation, be patient. 

Gold is tested by fire, and human character is tested in the furnace of humiliation. 

Trust the Lord, and he will help you. 

Walk straight in his ways, and put your hope in him. 

All you that fear the Lord, wait for him to show you his mercy. 

Do not turn away from him, or you will fall.  

All you that fear the Lord, trust him, and you will certainly be rewarded. 

All you that fear the Lord, look forward to his blessings of mercy and eternal happiness. 

Think back to the ancient generations and consider this: has the Lord ever disappointed anyone who put his hope in him? 

Has the Lord ever abandoned anyone who held him in constant reverence? 

Has the Lord ever ignored anyone who prayed to him? 

The Lord is kind and merciful; he forgives our sins and keeps us safe in the time of trouble. 

But those who lose their nerve are doomed- all those sinners who try to have it both ways! 

Doom is sure to come for those who lose their courage; they have no faith, and so they will have no protection. 

Doom is sure to come for those who lose their hope. 

What will they do when the Lord comes to judge them? 

Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his commands; those who love him will live as he wants them to live.  

Those who fear and love the Lord will try to please him and devote themselves to the Law.  

Those who fear the Lord are always ready to serve him. 

They humble themselves before him, and say,"We place our destiny in the hands of the Lord, not in human hands, because his mercy is as great as his majesty." 

-- Sirach 2:1-18 

The Resurrection - A Reason to Overcome Suffering

Today is the most glorious feast of the Resurrection.

    

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all thy wonderful deeds. 

I will be glad and exult in thee, I will sing praise to thy name, O Most High." 

- Psalms 9:1-2

Of all of Our Lord's deeds, His Resurrection is His most glorious.  However, His Resurrection only could come after the intense suffering that afflicted all of our Lord's body, senses, emotions and being. There was not one part of Him that did not suffer.

"In His head He suffered from the crown of piercing thorns; 
in His hands and feet, from the fastening of the nails; 
on His face from the blows and spittle; and from the lashes over His entire body. 
Moreover, He suffered in all His bodily senses:
 in touch, by being scourged and nailed;
 in taste, by being given vinegar and gall to drink; 
in smell, by being fastened to the gibbet in a place reeking with the stench of corpses, 
"which is called Calvary"; 
in hearing, by being tormented with the cries of blasphemers and scorners;
 in sight, by beholding the tears of His Mother and of the disciple whom He loved." 

- Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theolgica

He also suffered from abandonment, betrayal, false accusations, sadness, weariness, humiliation and fear.  Generally speaking He endured every suffering that we can experience.  He chose to go through the pain we are experiencing in order to not only redeem us, but to also show us how to deal with suffering. Good can come out of every wound and hurt, if we just give our sufferings to Him.  One day in God's timing, we will be relieved of this suffering; we will understand why it was necessary.  

"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, 
and fill up on my part that which is lacking of the afflictions of Christ 
in my flesh for his body's sake, which is the church" 

- Colossians 1:24

The Resurrection is the manifestation that good things will come.  Consequently, we must look to Him in all things and endure our sufferings with a thankful heart. "Not my will, but Thy Will".

 

"And He said to all, "If any man would come after me, 
let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 
For whoever would save his life will lose it; 
and whoever loses his life for my sake, he will save it." 

- Luke 9:23-24